http://hurlinginvective.com brought to you by children of a lesser god and gods of a lesser pantheon Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:23:45 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en I'm gettin' the blog back off the ground. But I need time. So bear with me. http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/1 I am bleary-eyed with fatigue. I have bad gas. My ears are bleeding a little bit. On the whole, not terribly different from most days. The only difference today is that these symptoms are a result of having my head ripped off by Nine Inch Nails at Blossom Music Center ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/12 I spent the better part of my day and night getting to, waiting around and drinking in, and trying desperately to get out of Chicago. It was a simple enough proposition: catch a late morning flight in, hang out in the hotel for a few hours, throw a party for a ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/11 You fat, turgid fuck. You whine about climbing stairs. Go iron your clothes. ----- Strange, you look like a fucking fat slob. Oh, wait. Right. You are a fat slob. ----- Wirey hair, bald spot. Beady eyes, man tits and gut. May I please kill you? ----- I see you and gag. I hate you so fucking much. Die die die die die. ----- You speak, ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/10 It was the Fall of 1996. O.J. Simpson's trial was just beginning. A little known band named Nirvana released From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah. The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above 6,000 for the first time ever. Banyamulenga Tutsis of Laurent Kabila in Zaire seized Uvira and proceeded ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/9 I just got back from the Denver International Airport today. (Okay, I didn't. I'm not the bronzed, erudite international playboy that you are. So fuck off.) I did, however, just learn about some really, um, utterly terrifying murals that grace the halls of said airport. So, yeah, who doesn't expect to see ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/8 Arizona Beverage Company, makers of one of my favorite beverages (iced green tea) have thrown their hat into the ring with Extreme Energy Shot. Figure 1.1: This is not, in fact, an energy drink, but a slug for a futuristic muzzleloader superweapon The claims of the can: Anyone who doesn't grasp ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/7 For some strange reason, Anheuser-Busch makes something called 180 Energy Drink. Hmmm. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the 180 means. Are they counting something? 180 what? Calories? Kilojoules? Megatons? Hectares? Kittens? Degrees? Turn the can around. The front-of-the-can artwork is upside down. Oh, so it ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/6 Rockstar Energy Drink's marketing tactics are all wrong. Everyone knows that kids don't want to be rock stars anymore. That's so 1994. Kurt Cobain is dead, man. If you wanted to capture the embodiment of today's youth's idols, you should have called it "Drugdealer," "Duffman," or "GameCube." No one is ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/67 I pull the cord and let the fucker rip. Five horsepower doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough to make puree out of whatever I put in the chute. It lets out a few chugga chugga chuggas before finally bursting to life in a symphony of gasoline-fried spinning bladeliciousness. I put ... http://hurlinginvective.com/archives/66