Rockstar Energy Drink: Suckstar
Rockstar Energy Drink’s marketing tactics are all wrong. Everyone knows that kids don’t want to be rock stars anymore. That’s so 1994. Kurt Cobain is dead, man. If you wanted to capture the embodiment of today’s youth’s idols, you should have called it “Drugdealer,” “Duffman,” or “GameCube.” No one is a rock star anymore. At best they are caricatures – at worst they are corporate logos.
Figure 1.1: Rockstar Energy Drink and Railroad, apparently
The claims of the can: They are numerous and often nonsensical. The front of the can features the “bigger, faster, stronger,” slogan followed below by “party like a rockstar.” The side of the can expounds upon the claim in detail – three lines worth, to be exact. Remember your audience, people. Just be happy they bought your product – don’t expect them to read your fucking dissertation on the side of it.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: “Eleutherococcus senticosus”
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 3. It was your run of the mill funk.
What it does to you: This little baby did seem to give me a fairly swift kick in the ass that kept me alert and focused for several hours. I came up with a unified field theory, actually, but I threw the napkin it was written on away.