hurling invective dot com

1 And God spake all these words, saying,

2 I am the LORD thy God; thou wouldst do good to keep thy asses puckered when I’m around.

3 Thou shalt not make unto thee graven images of Me. If you do, don’t do that old man with a beard shit. I’m better looking than that. Also, no likenesses of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. So no worms, groundhogs, birds, fish, you get the picture. Oh, and, no other gods.

4 Also, no worshiping worms, groundhogs, birds, fish, other gods, etc.: for I the LORD am a jealous, Old Testament kinda God, who smites like a motherfucker, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me, even though they didn’t do shit.

5 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, goddamnit.

6 Remember the sabbath day: Keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God. In it thou shalt not do any work, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates. Nor shalt thou walk thy dogs, nor answer e-mail, nor check Facebook, nor water thy garden, nor fuck, nor eat, nor watch the game, nor vacuum or dust, nor change thy oil or have thou oil changed by thy son, daughter, et. al., nor buy wine or liquor before 1 p.m., nor operate a forklift. Sit thou the fuck down, shut thou the fuck up.

7 For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day, and so wilt thou, or I will fuck thou shit up: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it, and so on.

8 Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. And remember thou the flowers on mother’s day, and the tie on father’s day, and the flags on Flag Day, and Victoria Day (Canada).

9 Thou shalt not kill anything but spiders, and only be they in thy domicile.

10 Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou art at a business convention.

11 Thou shalt not steal, and that includes cable and Wi-Fi.

12 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, or open his mail if it is wrongly delivered to thou.

13 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor his tits, nor his new Mustang, nor his new vinyl siding, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.

14 Thou shalt not believe everything thou readest.