hurling invective dot com

1. Produce should be sorted according to color. Thus, green onions, lettuce and pears would all be next to one another, as would radishes, tomatoes and cherries. Produce that cannot settle on one particular color (apples, peppers, etc.) must be eradicated from the planet’s food chain immediately.

2. One cannot simultenously shop for groceries AND suppress the urge to kill when Huey Lewis and the News is playing on the PA.

3. One should never shop hungry.

4. One should always shop drunk.

5. Fat people didn’t have those motorized carts a decade or two ago, and they shouldn’t have them now. They should be tipped over upon sight. Failing that, food and other items should be ripped from shelves and thrown in front of them to hamper their progress.

6. One can save lots of money using one’s Giant Eagle Advantage Card. One should save up to buy an actual giant eagle and ride upon its back to create awareness of how much one can save using one’s Giant Eagle Advantage Card.

7. One should stand in front of the “free sample” lady and eat each sample as she sets it on the table in front of her while – and this is absolutely critical – never breaking her gaze or blinking, until asked to leave by the management or law enforcement.

8. Seriously. They were playing Huey fucking Lewis.

9. Babies in carts that pass you never smile and are never as attractive as your own child.

10. I detest commerce.