Bob Barker’s Guide to the Underworld (Second Edition)
I’ve got so very much to tell you about. Being a father, running my own business, getting punched in the nuts by a kangaroo at the zoo… but, as I’m currently on enough mood stabilizing medications to make Anne Sexton blush, I’m feeling a little less than creative.
Between the sleep deprivation and the meds, I’ve been sucking down a lot of energy drinks lately, which from a purely economic standpoint, is enormously stupid of me. They cost way too much and do the exact same thing that a handful of delightfully affordable NoDoz does.
And so, with that in mind, I picked up a few new drinks at my local grocers. We’ll start with Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink.
Figure 1.1: Remember when you were a kid and you always thought Windex looked tasty? Here’s your chance to drink something blue.
Claims of the can: As sparse as its predecessor, simply pointing out that this massive slug of sugar and caffeine is a product of Coca-Cola, and is Blue Agave Flavor. The text on the can is, however, presented in both English and Spanish, demonstrating Coke’s commitment to keeping up with the Joneses. That list bit of language translates into a phrase that somehow sounds demonic and savage: Sabor Agave Azul. Isn’t it hauntingly beautiful? Listen to how perfectly does it fits in this bit of dialogue from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:
Lao Che: So it’s true? You’ve found Sabor Agave Azul?
Indiana Jones: You know I did. Last night one of your boys tried to get Sabor Agave Azul without paying for him.
Lao Che: You have insulted my son.
Indiana Jones: No, you have insulted me. I spared his life. Now raise da fuck up befo’ Craig father come out here!
Scariest sounding ingredient: Carnatine Fumarate
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 2. It tastes nothing like agave, however. You know that uber-generic punch? Punch Brand punch? The kind they serve at PTA meetings, company picnics, and summer camp? It doesn’t taste even remotely like the fruit it’s supposed to imitate. The red stuff doesn’t taste like cherries – it tastes red. The orange stuff doesn’t taste like oranges – it tastes orange. This stuff doesn’t taste like agave – it tastes blue. (Or azul.)
What it does for you: It’s really hard to accurately gauge the energy-inducing effects of energy drinks these days, as I am now a fucking bottomless pit when it comes to caffeine. I know that Full Throttle is chock full of sugar – you can actually feel the enamel sizzle off your teeth when you drink it – and loaded with caffeine, but a few weeks ago I drank a whole 16 oz. can and fell asleep. I wish crystal meth wasn’t so bad for you, because it seems like my only alternative.