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I promised myself when I began writing that I wouldn’t write crap that was self indulgent. Recently, though, I’ve been tempted. I found a stray dog. Birds built a nest on the wreath on my front door. I started my own business. I planted an azalea. See? Could you give less of a fuck? Not me enough to write it, and certainly not you enough to read it.

I write in spurts. I find something or someone to heap abuse upon, chew the fat for a little while, then let it rip. I try to pace myself. By pace myself, I mean go on month long drinking and video game binges (lately it’s been the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Shivering Isles expansion and leftover beer from myriad backyard bonfires), suddenly remember I have a blog, then write on the topic.

A while back, I found a historical anecdote that was simply amazing. I wanted to unleash it on my world of non-readers the moment I unearthed it. “Patience, Moriarty,” I thought to myself. “Not yet. You never know when another Oblivion expansion may be released. You may need this for your down time.”

And then my lovely lady wife forwarded me a press release – don’t even ask me where she got it from – that was just too hilarious to not share.

Sadly, it’s hilarious in that “humanity is about to become enslaved by a cruel dynasty of ruthless malefactors” kinda way. And so now, with that exceptionally pointless setup, I have some good news and some bad news for you. First, the good news. According to Business Wire…

National Watermelon Association Partners with CHEP to Promote Shipping Efficiencies

“PLANT CITY, Fla.–(BUSINESS WIRE)–The National Watermelon Association (NWA)…”

Stop right there. NWA? Seriously?

For those of you who are unenlightened as to the use of this acronym in popular culture, NWA was a fairly revolutionary hip-hop group in the late 80’s/early 90’s. This by itself is not particularly remarkable, except for what the acronym actually stands for: “N-words With Attitude.” It launched the ubiquitous, wildly successful careers of Ice Cube and Dr. Dre, and was universally loved by its fans and loathed by their parents for its obscene, violent and hate-filled lyrics. NWA was the Twisted Sister of the hip hop/rap scene in those days, even though in a head-to-head comparison, NWA made Twisted Sister seem like the Starland Vocal Band.

Admittedly, if you weren’t a youth during the NWA days would likely not make the same association, no pun intended. But there are a handful of us who do, and snicker whilst doing so, mainly because we’re completely fucking infantile. It’s not too late, though. You could always be the Watermelon Association of America.

“…and CHEP, the global leader in pallet and container pooling, have joined forces to improve the way watermelon is transported from the grower to the retailer. CHEP is taking a vested interest in the trade group’s many activities as CHEP customers in the NWA continue to see the value and benefits of the CHEP pallet pooling solution.”

If you’re falling asleep reading this, this next bit will grab you by the bollards.

“‘This is revolutionary – it is changing a major supplier to our industry into a major partner. We’re very excited about the relationship and the potential benefit for both organizations,’ said Bob Morrissey, Executive Director of NWA. ‘This partnership between our organizations will provide benefits to everyone involved as our participating members experience the value of CHEP’s programs and service. We look forward to a long term program and partnership.’”

Okay, first: his name is Morrissey. Second, he’s the executive director of NWA. Third, he described advances in watermelon shipping as revolutionary. How, precisely, does this guy get laid?

“With CHEP’s assistance, the NWA will fund research, lobbying and consumer promotion activities, as well as ongoing operations at the group.”

All kidding aside, the watermelon lobby is a juggernaut – albeit a dark horse – in American politics. Are you really so naive as to think that oil put the Bush boys in power? Get your head out of your ass. Big Watermelon, as it’s called, has got the GOP by the balls. And there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. And let’s not forget all the money they’re pumping into watermelon research. The rich and juicy get richer and juicier. And here’s Morrissey, just flaunting it. You son of a bitch.

To spare you valuable reading time, I’ll paraphrase a bit.

“‘Blah hyperbole yakkity-blah blah,’ said Bradley O’Neil, President of NWA and Owner of Coosaw Farms, Fairfax, South Carolina.

The CHEP pallet pooling program provides growers with durable shipping platforms that improve productivity and lower product damage. CHEP’s global reach also ensures a reliable supply of pallets.

‘Blibbity-hyperbole-blobbity yakkity-yak blah,’ said Brian Malloy, Senior Vice President, Sales, CHEP.”

There you have it, folks. Morrissey and O’Neil are so on the Republican ticket in 2012 it’s not even funny. And they’ll probably have Malloy killed during their first 100 days. He knows too much.

“About National Watermelon Association: The National Watermelon Association is a voluntary trade association made up of watermelon farmers, shippers, packers, brokers, suppliers (pallets, produce bins, seed, plants, chemicals, fertilizer, farm equipment, labels, machinery, agricultural labor, etc.), retailers, wholesalers, researchers and many others that have an interest in the watermelon industry throughout all 50 states and Mexico.”

And it goes on from there, with a bunch more boring stuff that I’m not clever enough to rip on. So, to sum up: Watermelonburton is making a balls-out power play to get watermelons to you, the consumer, more quickly, efficiently and in better condition, presumably. But why? And now the bad news.

Two words: vampire watermelons.

Roma folk legend contends that watermelons (and pumpkins, although the PWA is keeping tight-lipped on the matter) kept for longer than ten days, or after Christmas – presumably if you just got it another fucking Borders gift card and didn’t bother putting any thought into it – will become a vampire.

So how do you tell a garden-variety, non-anthropomorphic, juicy, delicious watermelon from its unholy, accursed brethren? According to Tatomir Vukanovi?, a Serbian-born historian that focused on the peoples of the Balkans: “…[they] make a sound like ‘brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!’ and begin to shake themselves. It is also believed that sometimes a trace of blood can be seen on the [watermelon], and the Gs. [Gypsies] then say it has become a vampire.”

Vukanovi? also states: “These pumpkins and melons go round the houses, stables, and rooms at night, all by themselves, and do harm to people. But it is thought that they cannot do great damage to folk, so people are not very afraid of this kind of vampire.”

Well, yeah. You have to feel kinda bad for the little guys. They’re probably trying to be really intimidating and seductive, offering the Dark Embrace to the people, but just not getting taken seriously.

Gypsy: “Hey fellas! Check it out! There’s a vampire watermelon in my stable.”

Vampire Watermelon: “How dare you mock Me? If I had fangs, and maybe a ramp, I would plunge them into your neck until you succumbed to oblivion!”

Gypsy: “Would you please stop rolling onto my feet? I have no problem turning you into one of those fruit salad bowls with the serrated edges.”

Vampire Watermelon: “I’ll show myself out.”

So the Roma didn’t sweat them. I mean, who would be afraid of the occasional random, undead fruit? I’m sure these delicious transmogrifications were mostly isolated incidents.

But think about it. You’ve got the NWA, the puppeteers of the GOP, which we all know is just another hideous tentacle of the New World Order, and they’re working on safer, faster, and more efficient delivery of watermelons to you, the consumer? How about you, the consumed.

It is clear to me that a handful of these diabolical pepos (known in their inner circles as Nosfruitratu) have survived the aeons, watching the whole of human history unfold, feeding on the blood of, well, cantaloupes presumably, building a fruity army of the undead, and waiting for their time to strike and enslave the human race.

Figure 1.1: The Blood Congress of the New Watermelon Order (NWO)

And now, with the implementation of their new delivery system imminent, it’s only a matter of time. They’ll be shipped on pallets to grocers worldwide and we’ll buy them and bring them unsuspectingly into our homes. The rest you can divine.

Morrissey and O’Neil may not even make it to the 2012 election. Soon, we’ll all be answering to Praetor Tsamma the Maleficent and his viceroy, Greenflesh the Seedless.

On the bright side, we’ll be the middle caste, between our cruel, mouthwatering rulers and the pumpkins. Filthy fucking pumpkins.