National Association of Porn Digitizers
When I saw SoBe’s Superman Super Power Drink on the shelf at the gas station the other day, I got a little tingle in my pants. It’s like when you’re standing in line at the BMV, and there’s a really hot girl in front of you, and someone has to squeeze past you to get to the other counter, and you have to sorta step forward and push your little pony into her stable, and you realize for one brief moment that if it weren’t for the fact that you’re both wearing clothes and you smell like a summer camp latrine in July and she has no idea who you are nor would she piss in your mouth if your guts were on fire, you would totally have your 21st regiment in her demilitarized zone right now? It was like that. I picked up the can and suddenly I realized why I felt this way. This is no ordinary energy drink. This is an “Adult Energy Supplement.” Holy fucking shit. I had just stumbled across my first pornographic energy drink.
Figure 1.1: Umm… Superman? Is that you?
The claims of the can: For a pornographic energy drink (pornodrink for short), they didn’t do much to spice up the can. No busty naked girls. No cruel bleach-blond, whip-wielding mistress wearing leather lingerie. There wasn’t even a steamy Penthouse letter on the back. It did, of course, kindly inform me that Superman Returns is in theatres starting on June 30th, which made me wonder: exactly how old is this shit? I hope that none of its prime energy-inducing ingredients (ginseng, guarana, and yerba mate) go bad. It also warned that the drink is “not recommended for children, pregnant women or people sensitive to caffeine.”
Scariest sounding ingredient: Without even looking at the rest of the ingredients, I don’t think anything will top yerba mate.
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 2. I don’t know what I expected it to taste like… naked chicks? It turned out to be a sweet drink of indeterminate origins. Unremarkable but enjoyable. Also not carbonated, which was unexpected but pleasant.
What it does for you: It sure as hell didn’t do any of the things that one would expect an “adult energy supplement” to do, that’s for sure.
Additional note: I could not, for the life of me, find a photo of this beverage on the web. In fact, I couldn’t even find proof that this shit ever even existed. Maybe it was some Chinese bootleg energy drink. So instead, I looked for the just-plain-strangest Superman image I could find. Enjoy.