I’d give my left nut for a right nut.
Whilst perusing the goods at my local apothecary (read: buying beer at the gas station) I decided to pick up a new can of energy drink to gag down and tell you all about. The most obvious candidate for a damn good thrashing came in a neon green can. It’s called Rip It Energy Fuel.
Figure 1.1: The Rip It family of beverages. Seriously though, what’s that shit on the left? Energy lip balm?
Now, who among you did not immediately hum the first few notes of the chorus of Devo’s immortal “Whip It” the very moment you read that name? I sure as hell did, and I immediately began reworking the lyrics in my head to accompany the product in commercials that will surely make you want to rip heads off of bystanders.
When a CD comes along,
you must rip it.
There’s a price tag on your bong
you must rip it.
Herpes sore for far too long
you must rip it.
Rip it good.
The claims of the can: Where oh where do I begin? First of all, it’s not an energy drink, you numbnuts. It’s “Energy Fuel”. It is also, apparently, a “Lime Wrecker,” as demonstrated by the two halves of lime that appear to have been wrecked by something. Beneath that, in very small letters, there is a very curious claim that I’m sure will cause you a nasty case of rectal prolapse once you’re finished laughing at it: “Dietary Supplement.”
The supplemental facts were pretty textbook… full of taurine, caffeine (102mg), Inositol, and Guarana Seed Extract. A lot of B and C vitamins.
Oh, there’s also a small drawing of a horse fellating itself, with the words “Wild Ride” beneath it. You think I am kidding. I assure you I am not.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: “Glyceryl Abietate” sounds none too pleasant for consumption.
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 4. For only having 33 grams of sugar – a mild dose by today’s energy drink standards – this shit still tasted way too sweet. It’s tasted exactly like a lime-flavored Brach’s hard candy. You know the ones. They’re kinda shaped like an oval and you can get ‘em in bulk at the grocery store in an assortment of flavors. Your grandmother has them in a bowl in her house somewhere. Seriously.
What it does for you: Same thing as two cups of coffee would have done for me, since that’s roughly the amount of caffeine contained therein. It did not, however, rip me or take me for a wild ride. Or allow me to perform fellatio on myself. Or a horse. Just a big fucking disappointment all around.