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Coca Cola’s Full Throttle Energy Drink is yum-may. It’s a wicked neon green and tastes like a liquid Sweet Tart. Also, the can is black and adorned with a tribal tattoo, so while you’re drinking it, people will think twice before they fuck with you. It helps is you’re carrying a gun, too. And twitching a bit.
Figure 1.1: Coca Cola’s Full Throttle is 1/8 gasoline
The claims of the can: Shockingly few. It simply notes the product name, that it is an energy drink, and that it’s made by the hardworking men and women of the Coca Cola Company (NASDAQ: COKE). Okay, just kidding about the ticker. There is one particularly unusual thing printed on the can, just above the bar code. It is a single word in all capital letters: REXAM. One can only speculate as to its meaning. I have several guesses, and as you might guess, one of them is really, really vulgar. Seriously though, it sounds like the name brand of a prescription-only anal suppository. See, I told you it was vulgar.
Scariest-sounding ingredient: “Glycerol Ester of Wood Rosin”
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 1. Drinks like a soda. A soda with so much sugar that your teeth fucking bend.
What it does for you: This didn’t really affect me much more than a regular can of soda. This sort of blatant false advertising really gets my pagoda, so I whizzed in the can and took it back to the store for a refund. I felt justified. Happy hunting.