No doorknobs in the Corridors of the Damned
As we all know, Red Bull Energy Drink is the one that started it all. The Coca-Cola of energy drinks, Red Bull has become as ubiquitous to our misanthropic youth as pistol whippings and MTV having nothing to do with music. However, the folks at Red Bull began to market this beverage-turned-household name with a certain degree of jiggery-pokery (or skullduggery, if you prefer) which later robbed them of their market share once the rest of the energy drink players jumped on the bandwagon. The precise nature of their deceptive advertising practice centers on the fact that they attempted to make consumers believe that their drink tasted good, when in fact, it tastes like ass.
Figure 1.1: Red Bull Energy Drink is used by frat guys to “cut” Jägermeister in much the same fashion that methamphetamine is used to cut cocaine
The claims of the can: Pretty spectacular when compared to its contemporaries. It claims that it “vitalizes body and mind,” “improves performance, especially during times of increased stress or strain,” “increases endurance,” “increases concentration and improves reaction speed,” and “stimulates the metabolism.” It also cures cancer, baldness, shingles, schizophrenia, acne, ugliness, rectal prolapse, the plague, broken bones, oat cell carcinoma, cat scratch fever, clubfoot, toxoplasmosis, parvo, dwarfism, gigantism, eczema, pica, frostbite, Legionairre’s, gangrene, gonorrhea, harelip, halitosis, sudden hearing loss, hookworm, leprosy, horniness, jock itch, goiters, gout, river blindness and stupidity.
Scariest sounding ingredient: Glucuronolactone
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 4. Red Bull just tastes fucking weird. One way to cut through the funk a bit is to mix the frothy brew with the dark and syrupy frat-juice called Jägermeister, thus creating what’s known as a Jägerbomb. This mixture of depressant and stimulant brings about an alertness that can obscure the drunkenness, which can really fuck with your ability to determine who in the room would sleep with you and how well you can actually dance.
What it does for you: With lots of B-vitamins, caffeine, sugar and taurine, it does the trick, but why punish yourself with the taste? I read that there are around 300 energy drinks on the shelves these days. Surely one tastes less assy.