Pants-optional kickboxing
It seems like everything claims to deliver energy these days. There are energy drinks, energy pills, energy mints, energy enemas, energy salt substitutes, and now, apparently, energy gum. A company called Nutravail Technologies, which will soon be burnt to the ground by an angry pitchfork-wielding mob of consumers, has jumped on the bandwagon with Mad Croc Energy Gum.
Figure 1.1: Hey, I haven’t even had a piece and I’m already mad! This stuff works great!
The claims of the can, er, package: “Great Tasting,” “Jumbo Pieces,” and “Energy With a Wild Bite.” The package should also read “Massive Fucking Lies,” “You Will Grow To Hate Me,” and “I Am An Affront To Gum.” The back of the package helpfully informs you that “two pieces of Mad Croc gum contain about as much caffeine as one 8 oz. energy drink, or one cup of coffee.”
Scariest-sounding ingredient: “Titanium dioxide,” which I believe the U.S.S. Enterprise used to power its warp drive.
Energy Drink, er, Gum Funk Factor: 5. It starts out tasting like a nice semi-sweet piece of peppermint gum, but after about 30 seconds it begins to taste like you’re chewing a 500mg aspirin tablet covered in dust.
What it does for you: Being that I could barely chew it long enough to suck out the caffeine and B vitamins, not much. It did make me rue the day that I paid $2.39 for it.