NOTICE: DRIVER CARRIES ONLY CONFEDERATE MONEY
If you can even read the name on the can through the stupefying, train wreck artwork, consisting of tribal tattoo patterns, a thorny vine, a flying eyeball and a skull, all colored camouflage, you might stumble across Von Dutch Energy Drink. The nice thing about this particular beverage is its consistency both inside the can and outside. You’re pissed when you see the can and you’re pissed when you’ve tasted its contents.
Figure 1.1: Oh Von Dutch Energy Drink… you complete me!
Claims of the can: It is structured somewhat like a nonprofit organization or a community group. It has four pillars and a mission statement. The pillars, situated in a ring at the top of the can, are: “Freedom. Style. Power. Motion.” The mission statement? “Von Dutch is an ultra premium, amazing tasting, high-octane formulation designed to rev up the day or kick start the night. From the streets of Los Angeles to the nightlife of New York, Von Dutch is a classic symbol of individuality and represents the spirit of personal expression.”
There are so many places I can go with this, but let me just sum up by saying: FUCK this energy drink. I am so utterly sick of these backward-ass, obtuse, vacuous, vain, witless and utterly uninspired executives and advertising shitheads trying to define people, or suggest people define themselves, through consumer goods. I am not defined by what I drink, eat, read, or watch on TV. I’m not my fucking khakis. I am what I believe, learn, understand and stand up for. No wonder our nation is so goddamn shallow. Throw some fucking pretty colors and spangles on something and add a little high fructose corn syrup, play a Britney Spears song over top of it and viola! You’re made whole. You’re complete. My messiah isn’t going to descend on a cloud with a choir of angels and judge humanity for their sins. He’s going to give this world a swift kick in the nuts and remind them what matters. And it’s not Brad and Angelina’s frogspawn, I’ll tell you that. God damnit I’m in a bad fucking mood today.
Scariest sounding ingredient: Cyanocobalamin. Also, social retardation.
Energy Drink Funk Factor: 4. It tastes exactly, and I mean exactly, like Red Bull.
What it does for you: Made me fucking mad.