Grand Theft Hippo
By now, we’ve all heard about North Korea’s underground nuclear test. But let’s back up a moment, to another little stunt that our Axis of Evil buddies pulled: the failed missile test that took place in July.
This whole debacle reminded me of something. For those of you who continue to ignore American foreign policy – you know, that thing that’s going to annihilate us along with most of the rest of the world – here’s the story. In July, the DPRK test fired a long range missile, the Taepodong-2, which the Kim Jong Il affectionately called “Dongy Bong Dong.” It was believed that Bong Dong was capable of delivering a nuclear payload to the west coast of the United States. However, it failed after 40 seconds and crashed into the ocean.
Hearing this story, I am reminded of that one guy you went to high school with. You know the one I’m talking about. He drove a Trans Am. He bonged beers. He was the quarterback for your football team. He banged every single cheerleader and knocked a couple of them up. And, most importantly, he bragged endlessly about his sexual prowess. He claimed to have a 9-foot long, 10-ton dick and would routinely sex girls up until the resulting cerebral hemorrhaging killed them. And then, one day, after scoring the hottest cheerleading tail in the entire school, she outs him. His love rocket is about the size of a Pez dispenser and it delivered its payload way too soon.
I think you can see where I’m going with the analogy. With this in mind, here’s my theory about the North Korean underground nuclear test: it never happened. There are already theories that it is possible, although improbable, that the seismic activity generated by the blast was created by conventional explosives. I don’t even think it was that.
You know what I think they did? They got a bunch of soldiers underground and just shook the hell out of the pipes, like in The Goonies. These people are retards. I mean, have you seen Kim Jong Il? The guy’s favorite movies are Rambo and Friday the 13th. He wears platform shoes. I’m reasonably sure that he cuts his own hair. This guy isn’t a calculating tyrant, bent on world domination. He’s fucking H.R. Pufnstuf.
Figure 1.1: Kim Jong Il, clearly trying not to go poopy in his pants.
Figure 1.2: H.R. Pufnstuf and one of his generals help a wounded soldier before convening the war council.
And as we have seen, men in power surround themselves with like-minded men. Hitler was a thug and a murderer, and he appointed fellow thugs and murders to lead the National Socialist movement and then the country. Bush 43 is a stupid, power-hungry warmonger with lots of money and tunnel vision, and by golly, those are just the type of people he chose to serve in his cabinet.
So what kind of goobers can we postulate are running North Korea with Kimmy? My point is this: I wouldn’t sweat these fools. We’re already hopelessly fucked as it is, trying desperately to extricate ourselves from two countries where, despite the fact that they have elected governments in place, we are an occupying force. Hey, everyone says China’s a big deal these days, right? India too, I’m told. Let them spank King Kong and the rest of the Muppets, if they take any of this seriously.
Let’s just get back to doing what we do best: The War on Islam. TERROR, sorry. The War on Terror™.